CigaretteJeans

wondering what on earth I am doing here

2012-01-27T08:13:00.001+11:00

We went to Blackrock yesterday. Not to intending to celebrate Australia Day (or end up like that forever mentally scarring movie), more hoping to have some peaceful times on the beach in a secluded cove, however when we arrived there was a guy setting up a dedicated party area replete with mini barbecues and an extension cord that ran the entire length of those cliffs from the parking lot to his stereo to broadcast the Hottest 100. There were also many Australian flags. Too many. I think I have a problem with Patriotism. It's hard to define, but I think I would prefer more of a dedicated drive and motivated celebration towards Humanism than Patriotism. Patriotism just seems to be a justification a lot of people use to keep irrational racism and fear of the Other alive and healthy in the brains of people not wanting to take responsibility for an independent thought. Like it somehow encourages the mass sheep-like action and brain of mob mentality. I don't dislike Australia, Australia as a country is magnificent and brutal and incredible and diverse, but a lot of the time I don't know why I am supposed to be proud to be an Australian simply for the fact I was privileged enough to be born here, and not somewhere else.

stay down

2012-01-24T21:31:00.001+11:00

This stain is currently ruling my life.

In a good way.

My view yesterday.

and this song.

you're the reason why I moved to the city or why I'll need to leave

2012-01-19T18:52:00.000+11:00

There are currently apartment buildings being constructed across the street from our bookstore, and jack hammering has been going on all week, for 8 hours a day. We aren't allowed to close out door because the owners feel it creates an unapproachable atmosphere. So just think of that constant background hammering noise while you read this.

Middle-aged Female Tourist from Adelaide: So let me get this straight. (pause...)

Me: ....yes?

MAFT: This is just a REALLY good selection of remaindered books?

Me: That's right.

MAFT: Well I am looking for a book that ISN'T remaindered!

Me:....Do you know the title?

MAFT: Yes! (pausing with stupid grin on her face.)

Me:....would you like to tell me....

MAFT: It's a Philippa Gregory novel!

Me: Is it a particular title? or just any Philippa Gregory?

MAFT: Yes! (still stupidly grinning)

Me: (eye twitching) Would you like to tell me.......

MAFT: EARTHLY JOYS! IT'S FAAABULOUS!!

Me: I will just check for you. (checking) Sorry, it's not one that we stock.

MAFT: Where else can I go??

Me: There is an excellent bookstore called the Paperback on Bourke Street.

MAFT: But that's so FAAR. Can't you make it closer?!

Me: What, the physical, already exisiting bookstore?

MAFT: Yes! Can't you get them to send it to you?

Me: Well, seeing as we are not affiliated with them, unfortunately that would be a no.

MAFT: Okay well just order it for me then!

Me: I'm sorry, but since it is not in our system, we cannot order it for you.

MAFT: But you are a bookstore!! I don't want to walk down there!! Just order it!

Me: I'm sorry, but even if I did order it for you, which I can't because it's not in our stock list, it would not arrive within the next 25 minutes. Which is essentially how far away the Paperback is.

MAFT: Well can you just call them for me to see if they have it?? I don't want to walk down there!

Me: I'm sorry, but I can't do that with a company we are not affiliated with, and is in direct conflict with our own business.

MAFT: C'MOON! JUST CALL THEM!!

(Did you forget about the jack hammering? think about it RIGHT NOW)

Me: Can I help you with anything else?

MAFT: Yes, do you know where I can buy a pair of Spanx?

Me:................

holding out for something that feels okay

2012-01-18T18:29:00.000+11:00

So I watched this movie last week that Mike Mills made called Beginners, and it made me feel and think about a whole lot of things, least of all how terrified I still am of death. Death is terrifying and can happen ANY TIME. I legitimately have to stop myself from thinking about death every day otherwise I might become a total recluse who does nothing ever again. Wait, I mean even MORE of a recluse than I already am. Seriously though, you should watch this movie if you haven't already, because as a most likely normal person, you will only feel the other things I felt when watching it, which while sometimes sad were also very good feelings, and not end up sitting on the floor in your bedroom wondering when you and everyone you love is going to die and how you can stop this.

I saw the Pipilotti Rist exhibition at ACCA yesterday, it has this giant room where you can lie on the floor and stare at her digital work that is being projected onto the ceiling and it makes you feel quite good and calm. My only problem with that show is that I don't see any changes in her work since I first saw her work 10 years ago, and I think part of it being so relaxing was that you were lying down in a darkened room on islands of carpet. I will most likely go back and lie down there again though, so maybe it was something more. Or maybe it was that island of carpet.

girl get your head right

2012-01-13T22:52:00.001+11:00

Am not afraid to discuss my addiction to pickled garlic made by Cait's grandma in Mildura. This stuff is probably the best pickled anything you will ever eat anywhere ever in the history of eating.

and just a look will be the start

2012-01-10T08:13:00.001+11:00

It is impossible to watch these otters chase that butterfly and not make a stupid squealing noise.

the summer heat tries to burn through

2012-01-06T09:44:00.003+11:00

Why don’t you tell me that “if the girl had been worth having, she’d have waited for you”? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.

—

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

you know I love you here's the irony

2012-01-04T10:36:00.000+11:00

Tomato Watch 2012

perfectly able to hold my own hand, but I still can't kiss my own neck

2012-01-03T08:37:00.000+11:00

IX - Wendell Berry

I go by a field where once

I cultivated a few poor crops.

It is now covered with young trees,

for the forest that belongs here

has come back and reclaimed it's own.

And I think of all the effort

I have wasted and all that time,

and of how much joy I took

in that failed work and how much

it taught me. For in so failing

I learned something of my place,

something of myself, and now

I welcome back the trees.

my arms they are a see-through plastic

2012-01-01T23:11:00.001+11:00

New years involved most of my favourite 2011 things,

and some of my favourite people.

lots of night biking,

and then beach recovery the next day.

2012 is off to an excellent start.

when you showed up at that spot I almost threw up on the spot

2011-12-31T10:22:00.000+11:00

END OF YEAR WRAP UP BITCHES

I read some fucking great books this year you guys. 2010 was the worst year of my life thus far (which, in relation to some other people's 2010's was pretty great) so 2011, despite all it's insanity, was pretty excellent.

So here is my list of things I read/saw/listened to that made me feel exceptionally good or made me feel in general. FEELINGS! FEELINGS ARE SO GOOD SOMETIMES!

Fiction I Read (not including shit I re-read):

Jane Eyre
Lucy Gayheart
Silas Marner
Ethan Frome
Alias Grace
The Road
The Help

This is What we Talk about When We Talk About Love
Revolutionary Road
Never Let Me Go
Collected Stories - Yates
Even Cowgirls Get The Blues
The Easter Parade
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake
The Book of Other People
Young Hearts Crying
One Day
Year of Wonders
Lullabies for Little Criminals
Great House
This is My Best
We Are All Made of Glue
Important Artefacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion and Jewelery
Disturbing the Peace
An Object of Beauty
Wuthering Heights
The Informers
Music for Chameleons
Solar
Look at the Birdie
A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian

Non Fiction I Read:

Pornland

Loot

Time Bites

John Waters Role Models

Bossypants

Graphic Novels I Read:

Clumsy
The Complete Maus
The Lagoon
A Child's Life
Funeral of the Heart
Sleepwalk
The Alcoholic
The Great Gatsby
Empire State
The Book of Ophelia
Luba and her Sisters
The Best American Comics 2010
The Best American Comics 2008
Luba in America

Concerts/Shows I Went to:

Mountain Man
Warpaint x 2
Joanna Newsom
Belle and Sebastian
Buffy Sainte Marie
Maria Bamford
Tallest Man on Earth
Salt N Pepa
Kurt Vile
Dolly Parton

Songs I Could Stand for More than 2 Minutes:

Undertow - Warpaint
Abducted - Cults
I don't want love - Antlers
Wildflowers - Dolly Parton
Marked -EMA
Odessa - Caribou
Damn Your Eyes - Alex Carle
Die 4 U - Theophilus London
Can't See My Own Face - How to Dress Well
Common Burn - Mazzy Star
Searching Through the Past - Bleached
Blue Gowns - Blue Hawaii

Any of the above things I can strongly recommend even if I didn't totally love them to death (Wuthering Heights you fucking soap opera) but I got something out of them anyway. So long 2011, so long Masters of Hell, hello unemployment and relaxed poverty!

and nap through the day on sun bathed sands

2011-12-28T15:51:00.000+11:00

Another perk of not living in Perth anymore is that when I do come back I can convince friends to not only take me to the beach early in the morning but then come back to their house and make me a delicious breakfast. The beach was extremely refreshing and shark-siren filled, but the poached eggs were a definite highlight. Finishing it all off with seeing Melancholia at 10:45am. Nanna timeline! Has anyone else seen this? the first 10 minutes are like a Gregory Crewdson photograph come to life in slow, beautiful motion.

In an effort to trick my remaining P-Town friends into continuing to like me, I have baked this fancy lemon tart from a super secret recipe and will bribe them all with slices. This combined with pool-swimming bribery should see me through for another year I would think.

I look at you and I see nothing

2011-12-26T19:00:00.000+11:00

your life, back in a banner year

2011-12-24T19:10:00.001+11:00

Colin gave me this for Christmas.

Love.

with my eyes I can see my own face

2011-12-24T14:25:00.001+11:00

It's not supposed to drop below 30 degrees C (86 F) the whole time I am here. Get ready for lots of dumb underwater photos.

swing and miss and a catcher's mitt

2011-12-21T09:43:00.001+11:00

P-Town tomorrow. Will be extremely happy to not be asked the price of a book for 9 days straight. Dum Dum Girls when I get back. Summmmmaaahhhh. I got the best christmas present ever yesterday. Have I spoken about my love of practical presents? Well yesterday I was given a septum elevator and a surface pick by my mentor and I was so happy I could have burst into tears.

2011 is shaping up to end on a pretty awesome high note.

out in the desert we'll live carefree

2011-12-20T21:13:00.002+11:00

and it's my heart, not me, who cannot drive

2011-12-18T12:09:00.008+11:00

Working in retail at Christmas time is probably the worst position you can be in to enjoy the holiday season. I am making a huge generalisation here, but I think it is safe to say that if at least one person doesn't get murdered by a retail employee, it is a Christmas miracle. The recipe for breeding serial killers is completely suited to that of a retail workplace at Christmas, as reflected in the curent work situation I find myself in. Just follow this recipe if you would like to make someone ready and able to stab a complete stranger in the face with a ballpoint pen:

Ingredients:
1 late twenties female
12 christmas carols on repeat for 5 hours
1 $10 bargain sale
14 signs hanging from the ceiling that say "All Books $10"
100% customer blindness to said signs, and then complete disbelief in the sale price

Method:
Take all ingredients, place them inside a small bookstore and ensure major road construction is happening all day, every day during the shifts leading up to Christmas. Do not let your employee close the door to shut out mind numbing jack hammer noises, instead tell them to just turn up the Christmas Carols. Occasionally add a woman with a pram, but no visible child, to block the doorway with her pram, then during the lunch time rush, ensure a delivery of 80 boxes of books arrives to block half of your browsing area. Do not allow another employee to work during this busy time to potentially alleviate endless barrage of customer questions (mainly, "IS THIS $10?") or unpack said delivery, or even let the other original employee go to the bathroom. Make sure that many customers call the shop during this lunch period time with questions such as "I am looking for a book for my father, but he doesn't like reading, what can you recommend?"

Allow 20-30 minutes for employee blood pressure to rise fully, and your serial killer is ready. Should look something like this:

fixed my eyes on you

2011-12-16T18:56:00.003+11:00

One of the photos I took of Cait at Wilson's Prom, that failed, but now have made it so I like it. Something is wrong with my seagull. eeeeep.

you dealt with your fears, hugged the truth

2011-12-15T16:26:00.002+11:00

This might be my favourite thing to watch every few minutes.

arrived at the airport, I meet you outside

2011-12-15T16:11:00.004+11:00

I just had a customer come in, talking on his phone, then talking at me whilst he still conducted his phone conversation, asking for my help in finding a motivational book for his friend who was very down and out. I showed him some books on the Dalai Lama that are very popular for motivation, which he immediately nixed by saying "No, he knows how good of a person he is, he doesn't need anything like PERSONAL motivation, just MOTIVATION, you know? do you UNDERSTAND what I mean?" Then he went on to tell me how he just needed something that would inspire him because his friend had just lost a lot of money. As I was leading him to biographies, he continued telling me about his friends' situation:

Him: I mean, he has just hit rock bottom! he's lost a lot of money! like A LOT of money! He needs to be motivated!

Me: Well, if you look at this book, this might be a good one. It's about the early exploration undertaken by John Barrow and his team of explorers who made it their mission to fill in the gaps in the World Atlas, around the end of the Napoleonic Wars.. They undertook insane adventures and challenges and faced horrendous conditi-

Him: No! you don't understand he's lost A LOT. OF. MONEY. HE. NEEDS. MOTIVATION.

Me: So are you saying you want something about an exactly similar situation?

Him: No. But I mean, he lost a LOT of money. Like 3 MILLION DOLLARS!

Me: Right, maybe if you could give me more information on the type of book you wan-

Him: I mean, he's basically LIVING IN POVERTY NOW. He lost ALL his money! He's only got a minor savings holding!

Me: Poverty you say?

Him: Yes! He has had to sell his house in South Yarra! He had to move to COBURG!

Me: But he still owns a house.

Him: It's just SO SAD.

Me: Well, we have this book called One Red Paperclip, a true story about a man who traded his way from having a red paperclip to eventually trading for a house. Maybe this would be suitable and inspiring.

Him: NO! IT NEEDS TO BE MOTIVATING!!

Me: Well, we don't really have any books that tell you how to regain 3 million dollars and stop living on Coburg.

Him: Maybe I should get him a massage?!

Me:..................................

I'm not a human I am a dove

2011-12-11T16:22:00.004+11:00

This small Russian woman comes into the shop sometimes, and every time she does she has the most obscure book request that she already knows we aren't going to stock or be able to find it for her. She seems to just derive all of her pleasure in life from belittling our shop and the products we stock, as well as any chance she can get in calling me stupid. For instance, today she came in and greeted me with the following:

Me: Hel-

Her: YOU! DO YOU HEV BOOK!

Me: (in my head: NOOOOO GET OUT) Which book would that be?

Her: I vant a book on how to read coffee leaves.

Me: Hmm.. well we don't have anything in the store on that subject, however I can check the web-

Her: NO! Well vy not? Vy do you not sell this? I need it!

Me:..... I guess there isn't a large demand for people wanting to learn how to read coffee grounds.

Her: I SAID LEAVES! COFFEE LEEEEEAVES! VY CAN'T YOU LEESIN?

Me: (weighing up if I should bother going into the origins of coffee VS tea) Sorry, I meant to say leaves. You are right.

Her: Stupid Geel! Don't leestin! Vat do you hev that is like this book?

Me: Well, we don't have anything like it, it's a rather unique subject. The closest this would be a book on interpreting your dreams. But, like I said this isn't really lik-

Her: That is NATHINK like vat I vant! That is like, POLAR OPPOSITE! No good! NO GOOD TO ME!

Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Her: YOU DIDN'T HELP ME IN FOYST PLACE! (Storms out of shop.)

Me:............Merry Christmas.

we're so close and fit so well

2011-12-09T15:17:00.004+11:00

Questions I Have Recently Been Asked at the Bookstore:

"Are you from around here?"

"Are all the books $10?"

"Do you know where I can get a Bible, half in Spanish, half in Mexican?"

"Are all the books $10?"

"Do you have that book by that man who killed his mother? Or any books by men who killed their mothers?

"Are all the books $10?"

"Do you know where I can get a tattoo removed?"

"Are all the books $10?"

" Do you work at the methadone clinic too? You look really familiar."

"Are all the books $10?"

I dont wanna go but its a one way street with me

2011-12-05T08:50:00.004+11:00

We saw Salt-n-Pepa on Saturday night, which was both extremely hilarious and fun as well as weird and slightly overwhelming. It was like being in the room of the World's Biggest Bachelorette Party, but we were the only two who weren't told about it before we got there. So many screaming women wearing their fancy tops. The way the show was structured was more like a big DJ set, which meant that they jumped through songs pretty quickly (which was annoying as my dream for this concert was to be called up on stage to sing the man's part on Shoop) and then there was this weird bit in the middle where they just played all these big 80s song hits and were just singing along to them. Sort of like a karaoke birthday party? Meh. It was fun seeing them, and Pepa was hilarious as she pulled the two whitest boys alive on stage during Whatta Man and made then dance for her, but I think I was expecting something different from this. Oh well. Last night we went to see Kurt Vile, thus ending our recent week of musical nostalgia and bringing us back into our age demographic. You guys, this was like, 4 nights in a row out for me. Nanna is tired.

you'll become a victim of circumstance

2011-12-04T12:30:00.004+11:00

This couple came into the store at around 6pm tonight and she immediately made a beeline for me, city map clutched in her hand. I think people assume because this is a bookstore, we are also a container of knowledge about the city and are totally able to spend many minutes helping tourists find what they need around this fair capital. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue giving directions and I know how frustrating it is to be lost or looking for something on your own, my hackles are raised with people who interupt an already established customer interaction I am having to either scream at me from the doorway "WHERE IS COLES?!?!" (actually happened) or people who do not listen to my instructions and keep talking over me, wasting my time and theirs. This case was the latter. She asked me politely enough if I could help her, and then asked me where all the shops were. I said generally, it is considered the block below LaTrobe and above flinders Flinders and between Swanston and Elizabeth is the "shopping block." She sort of stared at me blankly, so I showed her on her map, then I drew on her map, then I drew my OWN map to try and simplify it for her further, but she still refused to take the information and leave the store. Meanwhile, her weird boyfriend starts trying to take a photo of our counter area with his stupid smart phone.

Me: Um, excuse me, are you taking a photo of our register area?

Him: Oh, yeah, it's just really nicely displayed and stuff (click click)

Me: I'm sorry, but I really would prefer it if you did not photograph our cash register and computer.

Him: Oh (click)

Me: Are you still taking photos?

Him: No (CLICK)

Me: I can hear your fake shutter speed.

Him: ........................ what's a shutter speed?

Me: Please just stop now.

WHO DOES THAT?! I hate this ease that smart phones has now provided to creepy weirdos who before were simply restricted to hollowing our magazines to put a camera inside of, or buying those fake lenses that shoot the image to the side view of you if they wanted to do shit like this. JUST ASK ME FIRST. Throughout this whole thing his annoying girlfriend is STILL trying to get me to basically leave the store to accompany her down to Bourke street to show her where some fucking shops are. Jesus lady, just use your legs, it's not that hard.

fly as far as you can away from here

2011-12-02T18:15:00.004+11:00

IT'S OFFICIAL. WE'RE GOING TO GRADUATE.

We got our results today and everything is a-okay. I don't even know how to describe this feeling other than "good." This is it, over and done. I can't believe I am free of this horrendous pressure and stress (White Whine) and I am no longer a poor graduate student, but now just a poor, unemployable, graduate student. HOO FUCKING RAY.

It is only perfect then that last night I got to see Dolly Parton at her final performance in Australia. THAT WOMAN, PEOPLE. She is amazing, and I spent the whole time either clutching my hands together holding off tears, clutching Cait and holding off tears, or seriously thinking how easy it would be for her to start a legitimate cult. Her voice is a perfect instrument! A PERFECT INSTRUMENT. She sang Little Sparrow and Coat of Many Colors and I nearly lost my shit. She also busted out into a SAXOPHONE SOLO as well as playing the auto harp, the recorder and the world's most glittery piano. The whole show was a completely insane spectacle of hilarity and joy and even though she broke into a RAP about Queen Latifa in the middle of the first set, and also projected images of digital candles and many people of different cultures holding hands in front of landmarks, IT WAS SO SO GOOD. I was on my feet and clapping like an asshole with the rest of the seniors in our row during 9 to 5. BEST NIGHT EVER.

ask me when we're gonna do, I think you better shut the door

2011-11-30T07:05:00.003+11:00

NEW PRINCE!!!!!!

I think he's the only person who can suggest taking a bath together and you wouldn't even be creeped out in the slightest.

do you know how over time you drove her away

2011-11-28T14:06:00.005+11:00

Click this thing then run your mouse over the screen. Then spend one million hours of your life in glee.

nearly splintering the gate

2011-11-24T21:38:00.008+11:00

I was writing a note in our diary when a short, overweight red faced man walked into the store.

Me: Hello.

Him: Mmmph.

He stands in front of the counter and is unfolding his reading glasses.

Me: Did you need some help?

Him: YES! I bloddy well did! but you don't have to be rude to me! Let me get my bloody glasses on first! I mean this attitude is just uncalled for!

Me: .............

Him: I mean, it's fucking christmas! CHRISTMAS ALRIGHT?! I mean, I didn't want to come down here and now it's YOUR FAULT I AM HERE. AND THEN YOU GIVE ME THIS ATTITUDE!

You're supposed to be happy! I mean unless you don't believe in it. Actually you probably don't. you look like one of those!

Everyone in the store has currently stopped what they are doing and is watching this spectacle unfold. I am biting my tongue so hard it has started bleeding slightly in my mouth, and yet somehow Iremain totally calm to his face. He eventually takes a book out of a plastic bag that is wedged under his sweating armpit and opens it in front of me and commences flicking through the pages, still refusing to tell me what his concern is. So I try again.

Me: Do you need to return this book?

Him: YES! Just HANG ON ALRIGHT! JESUS! I'm trying to show you what is YOUR FAULT! Just go back to what you were doing!

I already know he is going to tell me there is a security tag in the book and he wants it removed, but there is nothing I can do except wait him out. Everyone is still watching.

Him: (finally finds page with tag on it) HERE! LOOK HERE! THERE IS A TAG HERE THAT YOU PUT HERE AND I CAN'T READ THE WORDS SO I NEED A NEW ONE!

Me: that's fine, may I see the cover of the book so I can find you a new copy without a tag?

Him: OH NO! NO WAY! You aren't picking my book! I will do that! I mean, I checked all the books when I got home and LUCKY I DID because imagine if I had started reading this! do you know how ANGRY I WOULD BE?

Me: I can't even begin to imagine.

Him: NO! YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE-

Me: May I see the tag?

Him: HERE! RIGHT HERE! BUT DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET IT OFF BECAUSE YOU WILL-

I gently peel off the tag, causing no damage to the text or paper.

Him: (turning purple) HOW DID YOU DO THAT! I TRIED AND IT WAS TOO STUCK! YOU MUST HAVE A TRICK!

Me: No trick. The adhesive is failing, so they are easy to peel out as they are not our-

Him: NO IT WASN'T I TRIED! YOU SHOULDN'T PUT TAGS IN BOOKS IF-

Me: As. I. Was. Trying. To. Explain. We. Do. Not. Put. These. Tags. In. They. Are. From. Our. Supplier.

Him: Oh.

Me: Is there anything else you require assistance with today sir? Or was it just the tag?

Him: No. Just the tag.

Me: In that case, you have yourself a wonderful afternoon.

As he turned around to leave I flipped him off, and the whole shop burst out laughing.

you say the city brings you down, leave the iron cloud behind

2011-11-22T20:23:00.008+11:00

Oh heeey nature! Remember me? I REMEMBER YOU AND YOU ARE GLORIOUS. We went to Wilson's Prom this weekend, the southern most point on the Australian continent, and boy oh boy was it ever wonderful.

the weather was sort of shaky when we got there but luckily the day we did our big hike it stayed clear and we got some sun when we reached Tongue Point. 17km baby!

I know it sounds cheesy as hell but doing this kind of stuff really clears my head and reminds me of how physically insignificant I am, which for some reason, I find really comforting. Pushing my body during the hike was also super satisfying, and I think doing that boot camp is actually helping because at one point I thought I was going to black out or puke, and instead I did neither and reached the summit. High five body!

We also saw this little guy at Fairy Cove (side note: the indigenous people of Australia must look at the names we gave places and just add it onto the the list of Stupid Shit White People Have Done to Our Country) but he looked a bit disorientated. Hang in there little buddy.

Wilson's Prom is probably the most beautiful place I have ever been to in Australia. You should probably go there, like, tomorrow. Also, be prepared for endless photos once I get my film developed.

your checkered room and your velvet bow

2011-11-18T16:47:00.004+11:00

I am walking through the shop with a medium sized pile of large coffee table books in my arms, which are relatively heavy, when a man stops me before I can reach the shelf they are destined for.

Him: Excuse, me, what does it mean when the sign says "All books $10 or less"?

Me: It means all the books are $10 or less. If they are marked under $10 then that is what you pay, otherwise consider every book in the store $10. (trying to scoot around him)

Him: So wait, excuse me, what about this book? (picks up a copy of A Farewell to arms)

Me: (sort of struggling now) Yes, that one is $10.

Him: What about this one? (picks up a copy of Dilbert cartoon collections)

Me: Yes. $10. (still trying to get to offloading area)

Him: What about that one?! (points at me)

Me: Which one? this one I am holding?

He comes over to me and takes one off the pile I am holding in my arms and begins to leaf through it. I eventually give up as my arms are shaking and just drop them on the shelf where I stand as he won't let me get around him.

Him: This is quite a good book. How much is this one?

Me: (Lips have formed a thin, tight line) I don't really know how else to explain this, but ALL the books, the books IN THIS STORE, are $10 whole dollars.

Him: But what about-

Me: Yes. Whatever book you are thinking of, YES it is $10.

Him: But... but... HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?!

Me: We found this machine at the tip that is from the future and it can print out whatever book you want for free, over and over, so we can just keep making them cheaper and cheaper.

Him: Really?!

Me:.............Yes. 100%, yes.

I'm not your nervous feeling each time we say goodnight

2011-11-17T13:20:00.003+11:00

OH MY GOD this just took me about 50000 hours to badly draw and then terribly colour but YAY I did my first drawing to a stupid story I am working on for no one's benefit except my own and yours if you read this thing. This doesn't actually look anything like my book store except for the crappy sale sign and large windows but you get the idea. I don't even know if I want to actually colour these things but it looked so bad in black and white that I had to do something. Yay to doing something semi-creative for the first time in 2 years though. Yay to that.

it's so embarrassing when you cry

2011-11-13T21:38:00.004+11:00

This weekend has been a combination of many good things in conjunction with being sore in extremely weird places courtesy of boot camp on friday night. I think the most surprising thing about boot camp is how much I am actually enjoying the effects and outcomes of it. I don't really enjoy the group related activity aspect of it, but I'm sort of in the middle range of crappiness with my fitness in the group so there are still one or two people I can overtake during our running tests which makes me feel somewhat successful. Obviously none of these people are Cait, as she is basically the fittest person in our class, but I like to think people confuse the fact that we go to it together as being on par with the same fitness level. Friday night we had a timed running session where they never let your heart rate drop, and a series of circuit training moves, one of which were these things called Burpees. I know everyone else who has worked out in the past 10 years would probably know about these things but if you don't, they are basically the move that you would be made to do over and over again when you are finally sent to Hell. I was openly cursing our instructor by the end of the session. It's like doing a push up, then jumping into a crouch from the push up, then jumping straight up into the air from that position as many times as you can in 30 seconds. THE WORST. I better be able to not look like a dilapidated weatherboard house in my bathing suit by the end of this fucking six week training course or I am taking that water-filled weight bag we use for squats and beating our instructor to death with it .

you wanna climb up the stairs, I wanna push you back down

2011-11-10T23:13:00.005+11:00

A woman came up to my counter today and asked me the following:

Her: Do you have any suggestions?

Me: Sure, what sort of book were you after?

Her: A Christmas present.

Me: Okay, do you know what sort of books the person you are buying the gift for likes? Do you want gift books or fiction/non-fiction books?

Her: Not word books. Gift books. No. I want to buy a selection of books for people but I don't know who I am buying for yet. But I want to use the 6 books for $50 deal you are doing so I want to buy them now.

Me: Even though you don't know who you are buying for?

Her: That's right.

Me: (eye begins to twitch) Well.... we have this book about a history of children's book illustration within Australia, it's a really interesting archive of a history of-

Her: No, none of the people receiving the books will be children.

Me: Oh, well it's not really FOR kids, it's more for people who may find a niche area of Australian art history interesting.

Her: No.

Me:...............okay. Well, we have this book called 'Sydney: Then and Now" and it shows you a photo of an area in Sydney and what it looked like 100 years ago compared to now and-

Her: No, no one lives in Sydney.

Me: Well you don't really need to LIVE in Sydney to appreciate it, it's interesting for anyone interested in history in general.

Her: No, I want something just, really GOOD, you know? What GOOD books do you have?

Me: (breeeeeathe in...) Well, would you maybe like to buy a cooking book? do any of these undetermined people like cooking?

Her: No.

Me:................ Maybe you should have a look through this section here and if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them, but without more information it is sort of difficult to help you select a book.

Her: Have you read THIS book?

Me: Oh yes it's really good! It's about this man-

Her: Oh NO! I don't read books about men. They're so boring!

Me:.......are....you.....joking?

Her: Oh no! I find that reading from a male perspective is just so detrimental to the female brain! Why poison our minds with their thoughts?!

Me: Okay then! I'll just be over here at the counter if you need anymore help!

you bring out the soft side in everyone

2011-11-09T22:15:00.009+11:00

There is this one guy who comes into the bookstore every Wednesday morning and is always a complete asshole towards me and the other customers. He never responds to my greeting when he walks in, doesn't make eye contact no matter how much I stare at his stupid face as he passes me in the shop, and then proceeds to head straight to the back of the store to have the loudest phone conversation he can possible manage whilst simultaneously destroying all of my displays. It's actually quite artful to watch his complete disregard and lack of common courtesy, because it either means he has reached a point in his life where he is just saying Fuck This to everything, or he has always been like this and no one has ever called him on it. I am assuming it is the latter because he has a $500 satchel and is always wearing a suit. Two things I for some reason associate with being a totally successful business person. He also never buys anything. NEVER. In almost 2 years of working at this shop and seeing this man at least once a week, he has never purchased one goddamn book. This pisses me off for a multitude of reasons, number one being the way he treats the shop like the office for his alter ego, Senator Douchebag, and so in return to his shitty behaviour I like to take passive aggressive steps to try and either make him buy something or make him leave. I feel that after a year of observing the habits of this man I am entitled to do so.

The first thing I will do is to follow him to the back of the store (which is our history section) and as I see him ploughing through his satchel for his stupid iPhone Whatever, is to give him a big old smile and ask him if I can help him find anything. His go to response is to blatantly ignore me (even though we are the only 2 people in the shop and I am 2 feet away from him) which then triggers my next step of help/annoyance by just hovering near him and tidying the books. This always annoys him because he will already be well into his business call, and I think he feels as if I have come into his office and am just trying to eavesdrop. He also starts taking random books off the shelf and then putting them down all over the shop, but he's not even looking at them or skimming the cover or anything, it's like watching a smoker roll the same cigarette over and over again until it is nothing. He then turns his back on me and faces out of the window and leans into the bookshelf, causing one of our signs to ping off onto the floor. This causes me to grab our window cleaner and go and stand outside where he is facing and wipe down the window, grinning manically at him. He then turns around. I go back inside and get the dustbuster and decide to clean all our window wells. This causes him to move around the shop talking over the dustbuster. This causes me to stop dustbusting, go to the stereo, and turn Joanna Newsom up. Waaaaaay up. I went through all of this today and he actually yelled out from the back of the store at me the following:

SD: Hang on...hang on Barry, I can't hear you... OY! HEY! Can you turn that OFF?

Me: I'm sorry?

SD: THAT! THAT MUSIC! TURN IT OFF!

Me: The music? Isn't it great! I saw her in concert!

SD: NO! TURN IT OFF I SAID! I CAN'T HEAR THE PERSON ON THE PHONE!

Me: Maybe you should take it outside then? there is no music outside.

SD: OUTSIDE?! ARE YOU KIDDING?

He then attempts to finish his call but eventually I win and he hangs up, at which point I immediately turn the music down. There are still no other customers in the store. He then comes up to the counter all huffy:

SD: I think you play your music too loud!!

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way, I will make a note of it.

SD: I mean, I couldn't even finish my phone call! where else am I supposed to make my phone calls!?

Me: Um. Is that a real question?

SD: URGH! I WON'T BE COMING BACK HERE!!

But he ALWAYS comes back. Always. Just like that asshole who tried to convince me his dog, which was a pug, was a seeing eye dog so it could come in the store. When I asked him if the dog was going to help him read the books as well he went bright red and swore at me. Bookstores attract a particular kind of crazy and awesome. It's just sometimes the crazy outweighs the awesome.

I'm always dragging that horse around

2011-11-06T19:16:00.004+11:00

As motivation to shake off all the bad energy accrued over the course of two years, Cait and I have, somewhat suicidally, signed up for a 6 week course of Boot Camp that takes place 3 times a week. I have never done this type of exercise before, and usually do very poorly in a group exercise situation, however I feel if it is more like someone yelling at me, and making me feel like I am running for my life from zombies, then that might be okay? I mean, I can punch a bag better than I can stay in time with a step ball change. Apparently we also get given a special team shirt that we are supposed to wear, is this in case we try to run away? Or is intended to quash any last vestige of defiant self esteem that may be lingering? They also spend the first day taking what they describe as 'girth measurements.' GIRTH?! Could you not have used a word that doesn't make me think of a hippo!? I'm so screwed.

goodnight new york

2011-11-06T00:01:00.004+11:00

Disintegration by Snow & Voices

A few months ago, just as I was putting the blog on hiatus, this nice girl Lauri contacted me about posting her band's new song on my blog. I seem to go through bursts of people contacting me about promoting their whatever on here, and 99% of the time my answer is always no because a) do you even read my blog? it's mainly just me complaining about everything and b) I don't want to annoy my 12 readers by posting a whole tonne of crap on here. HOWEVER, I listened to this cover of the Cure they did, and it's quite haunting and beautiful and quiet and nice, and something that you could probably lie on your bed listening to through your headphones several times, or include on a mix tape of covers if you were making one for someone to think you were super rad. They also just made a new video which you can watch for another song called 'Maybe Finland.' I think I like Disintegration more as you can hear Lauri's voice way better, but make your own choices people, make your own choices.

You can make more choices here.

Snow & Voices “Maybe Finland” from Lauri Kranz on Vimeo.

now there's nothing in it's place

2011-11-04T16:02:00.005+11:00

IT'S DONE! I SUBMITTED! We handed that bitch in and then drove straight to the warehouse sized liquor store to purchase all of the booze they had. The came home to celebrate in the sunshine with delicious local beer and freshly cooked sweet corn.

It hasn't fully hit yet what I have just done and finished, but I bet tomorrow when I wake up in my hangover city rainbow and start to feel the creeping guilt of assignment pressure then suddenly realise THERE ARE NO MORE ASSIGNMENTS I will pee my bed in glee. Life is good right now.

you just want to go to a movie show, and sit there holdin' hands

2011-11-03T17:45:00.009+11:00

You know what's fun about writing your thesis? FUCKING NOTHING. You know those people you meet who say thing like "Oh well it was really satisfying because it challenged me in ways I have never been challenged before," those people are a) lying and b) trying to make you feel worse than them because they just went through two years of hell to write what is essentially a wad of garbage that will never be read by anyone else, except other stupid graduate students who are trying to write their own thesis. A thesis is a means to and ends of graduating, and now I spend the next 2 months worrying my tits off hoping I do not fail. If I fail this thing, I am not re-doing it. NO WAY IN HELL. I am just going to cut my losses and come to terms with the fact that I cannot write 15,000 words on one topic and go back to pursuing a job that does not involve the ownership of a Masters degree. Is this such a bad thing? I admire people who can get straight to the point and not bullshit me, so the idea of flouncing around with 15,000 words I wrote about something that can essentially be abbreviated into 2000 words makes me vomit. I can't wait to get this thing back so I can use it as a table top to stack up my $40,000+ worth of bills I will be receiving from the government. The best part of last week was during our presentation seminars I was standing in a circle of people who are way more employable than me and everyone was trying to out-do one another with who was more UN-employable. Sure, you can win that one.

I can't believe this is nearly over. I will probably still wake up with guilt every day for the next 3 months but then the sweet thing about that will be the soon to follow understanding that I don't have to go to uni anymore and I can spend the whole day rolling around in bed reading all my Richard Yates books all over again if I choose to. Or just looking at pictures of cats on the internet. Or watching all the terrible shows I have been saving for this very moment. It makes me feel so much happier to know I have the option of being in bed all day, making myself obese, and even if I don't do that, it's the knowing that I COULD do it if I wanted to.

I AM NEVER STUDYING AGAIN. NEVER. IF THIS DOESN'T WORK THEN TOO BAD.

she danced herself into a diamond

2011-11-02T14:39:00.005+11:00

Things You Should Not Have to Say to a Bookstore Customer:

"Excuse me, could you please not sit on the books."

"I'm sorry, but your parrot can't come in the shop."

"No, I can't print directly from your USB stick."

"Please don't pull on my computer screen."

"I'm sorry but you can't take a nap in here."

"You can't drink that beer in here."

"I'm sorry you think that, but we don't have the facilities to make you a sandwich. We sell books. Not sandwiches."

And yet somehow, I have at some point found the need to say them.

all you ever talk about

2011-11-01T17:32:00.001+11:00

FUCK I LOVE GETTING MAIL FROM BRIAN.

the day that she stands up for everything she chose

2011-10-31T20:52:00.011+11:00

I ALMOST HAVE MY LIFE BACK. But in the mean time, here are some things you may have missed.

I took up running again.

My beans are like, fucking nuts.

I briefly tried swing dancing.

This thing nearly killed me.

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

2011-04-25T17:17:00.002+10:00

I realise that there may be a few people who read my blog (like that guy who's location comes up as the equator in my statcounter map) who won't know why my blog is now private. Essentially, I need a break from this whole thing for a while, I can't go into why because it's part of the reason, but for now, my uni workload is extremely heavy and this year is far too important for me to finish properly without having another distraction. So for now, old Cigarettejeans is on hiatus until further notice. Thanks for reading about my stupid life for the past 6 years, and hopefully I will be back at the end of it. Who knows. Maybe by then I will have cured myself from talking to no one on the internet. Feel free to email me if you like, but for now, it's a temporary goodbye.

tips my head back full of swimming thoughts

2011-04-18T17:52:00.004+10:00

We did our first ride to school today and it was awesome. Perfect biking weather, hardly any MAMILS (middle age men in Lycra) and it took us less time to bike than it normally does on the tram. Woo! Bike party! I am completely admitting now that I will be a seasonal cyclist, there is no way in hell I could face a day of uni if I was soaking wet from riding in the rain, but on days like today it was great. On a side note, do you see how tiny our bin is? Also, those garbage bag window treatments are holding up real nice. Reeeeeal nice.

you better learn your lesson yourself

2011-04-17T18:43:00.005+10:00

Two favourite things happened today. Eating with Rhys and Skyping with Drea. Those things in the middle of the table are zucchini flowers stuffed with ricotta, fried and then served with fig compote relish. No wonder I can't fit into that other pair of jeans I have. To compensate I begun the Challenge Attack Throwdown I have put to the Corner of Death in our garden, because come hell or high water, I WILL be planting some veggies. If for nothing else to stick it to our neighbour who stole our shovel. I am pretty sure he is throwing garden debris over our fence into the pile of hell I made today. I found a tree stump in there! How the hell do I move a tree stump? Something tells me with sheer blind anger and stubborn mule-like will. Maybe a wood chipper. Do you think it's a bad idea to buy an axe?

I wonder if the wild animals livin’ in me well will they ever find freedom

2011-04-16T22:47:00.003+10:00

I like this song in a sort of cheesy way.

I also love this band and this song.

I don't want to tell you what you already know

2011-04-16T18:22:00.007+10:00

I can't think beyond my reports at this stage so join me in some procrastination fantasy shopping instead of the bag of brain farts I am currently having:

Punk Sandals from YMC. If I could buy everything from this label I probably would.

This hot water bottle cover would be the perfect way to dance back over the borderline of Trying to Keep Warm/ Totally Accepting Nanna Status.

Moroccan Hair Oil might be my new favourite hair product ever.

This beautiful Akira scarf would definitely make me want to stab people in the face a whole lot less on those dreary winter mornings. Which are happening now. IN APRIL.
THANKS MELBOURNE.

what's the bizness

2011-04-13T11:19:00.002+10:00

I think I would rather see a man buying porn than a family size block of chocolate.

on paper a portrait of harmonic perfection

2011-04-11T21:47:00.006+10:00

I have been keeping a list of all the books I have read this year (for fun, not uni) and so far this is my list:

Novels:
Jane Eyre
Lucy Gayheart
Silas Marner
Ethan Frome
Alias Grace
The Road

Loot

The Help

This is What we Talk about When We Talk About Love

Revolutionary Road
Never Let Me Go
Collected Stories - Yates
Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Haraold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion and Jewelery

Graphic Novels:
Clumsy
The Complete Maus
The Lagoon

A Child's Life

Funeral of the Heart
Sleepwalk
The Alcoholic

If you need something to read I can safely recommend any of these, except maybe Clumsy, I found that one kind of, meh? I have a feeling I will no longer be adding to this list as frequently as I would have hoped, but it's off to a pretty good start already. In other news I made a new friend at work yesterday. She was 2 years old, Japanese, and possibly the most adorable thing I have seen in human form for months. We also owned the same dress. Tiny asian children really are the cutest.

in between a hands on and a hands off apprenticeship

2011-04-08T20:21:00.007+10:00

Dinner Club has been on hiatus for the past two fridays due to both founding members being back-to-back sick. Cait got it first then I got it, and now it has manifested into a giant ball of disgusting right onto my face. Fun times. The only thing fun about this week has been my parents coming to visit and shower sympathy onto me, not to mention delicious chinese food and many alcoholic drinks to kill any remaining cold bugs in my system. Dad fixed the bike up for me so if I am okay on monday it's ride to school day. We also made a new friend with the guy who owns the bike shop around the corner from my house. High five Paul. You know how you make friends with people in your neighbourhood? Bring you Dad over.

I am afraid of the light yeah you know what I mean

2011-04-06T08:44:00.004+10:00

Rat Hearse. Ratty Hearse.

a place in the sun

2011-04-04T23:31:00.003+10:00

Here is some music because I am sick and can't write anything that doesn't involve me telling you about the snot coming out of my head. Seriously though, how can my head keep producing this much crap?

Will aim to be as cheerful as this girl after Snotfest 2011 is over.

and you do lose what you don't hold

2011-04-03T18:20:00.005+10:00

I tried to put my hair into a beehive today, but combined with my cold suffering state and general appearance I think it just ended up looking like a birds nest as a customer asked me if it was an intentional hairstyle. You never need to worry about checking your ego when working in customer service.

I ask myself how stupid can I get

2011-03-31T22:19:00.005+11:00

hey guys you know what are hard? backing removals. Hey guys you know what else? don't stab through your artefact with scalpel while you are doing said backing removal. Because this will make you feel like a total loser and ham fisted goon.Read more »

the more I run the more I am convinced

2011-03-30T22:22:00.004+11:00

A customer just came in asked me for help in finding something light, but not fluffy, to read. I offered her The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, and, after spending 10 minutes explaining how great and easy to read it is without being stupid fluff, she came up to the counter to purchase it. Well, I thought she was purchasing it as she told me take it up to the counter for her. When she arrived at the counter, she instead held up another book and said "I Think I'll get this instead." Her choice? A series of collected stories from people who had suffered through losing a loved one due to suicide.

the notion that these lives do never end

2011-03-27T19:29:00.003+11:00

I just spent 4 hours reading comics instead of doing homework. I figure that my alternate reality career plan, where I become an awesome graphic novelist, needs to be nurtured just as much as the reality version where I become and employable photo conservator. Right? If life has taught me nothing, it's always to have a backup plan. Comics and GN's are probably the best thing to me right now. WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD? I think the dudes who work at Minotaur are starting to get annoyed at my regular presence and annoying questions. I can't wait till the two I ordered 10 days ago arrive. I have decided to at least attempt one strip, which will never see it's way on here, but am having trouble forming a story as I can't decide whether to make it about the bookstore or Other Thing. I've already made a list of bookstore characters, so this is probably the safer, and less destructive option. I've also started telling people I am thirty, to get used to the idea of being thirty, so that when it rolls around, I will already be used to it and hopefully not have a massive brain fart. I know this makes no sense, but it sort of does? BRAIN TRIX YO.

people were starting to climb the walls

2011-03-27T11:46:00.005+11:00

Dinner club finally went to Gaylord on friday night. Holy delicious heaven of indian food. Plus, the ceiling is made of tiny disco ball tiles, and the walls are upholstered in floral tapestries. Like inspiration for a Lionel Ritchie song. I highly recommend this place and would definitely recommend it for an awesome cheesy wedding reception location too. I had this saag paneer that was electric green and was pretty delicious, almost Nataraj delicious, as well as some garlic naan, samosa and onion bahji. I'm not sure where we are going next week but I think it's Jem's turn to pick. On a different tangent, has anyone else read Revolutionary Road? I am really liking it so far and am sort of tempted to watch the movie afterwards. Yay or nay?

I'm going out to meet her

2011-03-23T20:44:00.003+11:00

Had my first thesis meeting today. Am officially terrified. Subsequently spent 3 hours reading (and complaining to Kristin about) stereo transparencies. I may not be able to talk to people at the end of this year. I mean, not that I am Chatty McChatterson from Chattsville right now, but I can see how graduate students are the worst. Last night me and the two C's hauled all our junk from the shed out into the driveway for the junk collectors to pick up this morning. Holy crap, so much junk. I guess that's what happens when you live in share houses. We had FIVE televisions. Who has five tvs?! Then Cait and I attacked that vine thing that is surrounding our nectarine tree. You know what makes you feel more in control of your life? cleaning the hell out of a shed and pulling up a tencious vine. We also went to Ikea on saturday morning to buy some sweet Thesis writing office chairs. They are ugly as hell but our spines are high fiving one another and the ugly is covered with a sweet blanket from my brother. We then sat in our chairs in opposite rooms yelling out at varying intervals "How sweet are these chairs?!" while we wrote our reports up. Best non-sexual lesbian relationship ever. I was amazed Ikea wasn't a traumatic experience like it usually is, the only other people there at that time were lone men rigging fifty pieces of do-it-yourself kitchen shelving to the top of their four wheel drive station wagons and a few swedish tourists. No mothers or uber happy couples to make me feel insane or hideous. Maybe I have found the key time to go there?

you take the power out

2011-03-21T18:56:00.004+11:00

Here is a sentence I could not have predicted I would be writing two years ago:

Today in the lab I think I might have shorted out our entire electricity circuit board while I was hepa filter vacuuming mold from my manuscript in the fume hood.

Sunrise Sunset people.

But don't worry, I haven't lost myself to a professional capacity and structure yet, as once the entire lab was evacuated and we met at our location point, I proceeded to perform like a french mime as I still had my latex gloves on. Ta daaaa.

by the time you read this, I will be so far away

2011-03-20T16:25:00.005+11:00

I don't mind if you call the book store I work in, I really don't. If your question pertains to a book, even better. When the first thing you shriek down the line before I can finish my greeting to you is a location confirmation, I am mildly offended, but since you sound elderly, perhaps you didn't hear me properly and didn't know I was still talking, so I rein in my annoyance at being cut off. I don't get mad when you disagree with our location, despite the fact that I am standing within the physical constraints of it, and despite me being 95% sure this is not a hallucination I am having, let you know that we are at a completely different street to the one you are yelling at me and that you don't recognise, despite me elaborating using other streets as locational markers, as I handle your steadily frustrating query. When you ask me the name of the bookstore at the other location you believe we are, I tell you our rival's name happily. When you ask me if they have a book in stock I pause, then say I am not sure, not being an employee of said rival. You become mildly obstinate over this fact, then ask me for their phone number. Since I have another customer waiting to be served, who actually came into our store at the non-fictional location and is waiting to purchase a book, and - like I said- do not work at this other business, I apologise and say I do not have their number. This results in you shouting at me, and my terrible customer service. This results in me fantasizing about your death. Choking perhaps? something slow and annoying, much like your phone call has been. I hate you, goodbye.

that means no where I come from

2011-03-19T15:11:00.003+11:00

While I was cleaning the house today I left my window open and this little guy was waiting on my pillow. Hey buddy, can you tell your other giant friends to stop chasing me please? thank you. Last night for Friday Food Club we went to Next Door Diner, which was kind of a total let down. The prices were not comparable to the portion sizes, and even though we ordered 3 mains to share between 3 people, as well as a side and we all had drinks, I felt like we were trying to be pushed into buying more food and then we were rushed to give up our table. Seeing as we booked ahead I feel like if it was going to be a problem that it took us longer than 1.5 hours to have a nice meal, they should have said something when we booked? Meh. I won't be going back there and neither will the other two members. That's right, members. I think next week we might try Gaylord Indian (that's it's real name, I am not just being 14.)

in a steady, illiterate movement homewards

2011-03-17T16:09:00.004+11:00

We had lunch at Yong Green Food today, where I have only experienced a so-so curry from before. Today I tried the fake grilled chicken burger and give it two thumbs up. The soy chicken did not resemble chicken at all, which is how I like my fake meat products, and was crammed full of poppy seed coleslaw, tomato relish and satay sauce. Mmm... delicious. This juice Cait has was called something like Dragon Ascent Rising Moon and had beets, carrot, apple and other delicious vegetables in it. It tasted like a deliciously healthy fruit/veggie medley. The burger was so massive I couldn't finish it, so for $9.00 it was totally worth it. This blog may be turning into a photographic diary of my eating this year. You may not want to check before you've had breakfast.

we were swallowing panic In the face of it's force

2011-03-15T23:18:00.002+11:00

I wasn't allowed to take my camera into the recital hall so this is my interpretation of Joanna Newsom's love for her harp. I can't believe I used to hate this music, holy shit. Two nights in a row of seeing really amazing musicians play very very well and only sort of getting teary during two of her songs as she didn't play the one that would have had me wailing from the balcony. I felt like her set lasted about 5 minutes, despite it being nearly 2 hours long. I never thought I would have the need or situation to say this, but DAAAAMN she can wail on that harp. I can sort of understand now why the audience was made up almost 80% wise of bearded, single hipster dudes.

he's intellectual and he's hot, but he understands

2011-03-14T23:55:00.002+11:00

GUESS WHO GOT BELLE AND SEBASTIAN TICKETS FOR FREEEEE TONIGHT!!! ROWAN I OWE YOU ONE HUMAN BABY FOR THIS.

you can't use a bulldozer to study orchids

2011-03-12T16:20:00.004+11:00

HELLO WORLD. I had burmese (not as good as Stapleton) food last night as part of a new adventure plan Cait and I have started, which is called "Let's-Go-To-That-Place-I-Always-Wanted-Try-But-Never-Did-Last-Year-Because-Last-Year-Sucked-Ass-Friday-Night-Dates." The rules are 1) anyone can come with us 2) if you come more than once you get to pick a restaurant. So far I have picked both restaurants and they have both been great. GREAT. The first one was Veggie Delight, which was AWESOME and so good I forgot to take any photos because I was too busy stuffing my face with homemade tofu products and vegetable treats and last night was just as delicious. Not sure where next week will take us but if we keep up this momentum it is going to be delightful. Hopefully next week I won't come home as drunk and accidentally email people either.

want.

2011-03-11T17:49:00.004+11:00

If I knew you, once, now I know you less

2011-03-08T20:26:00.004+11:00

I want to be near a quiet river, or canoeing down the Namekagon. I wish I was running, running, running down and far away, so far that I forgot all this and felt light and lifted and melted. I wish I was waking up on those sand cliffs that I can't see anymore and looking out over the bluffs and feeling something special and whole. I want to see that horse in the sunlight again and feel the things I was feeling right as I saw it, and how for a moment everything in my head stopped and it was quiet and beautiful.

as if I'd never noticed the way she brushed her hair from her forehead

2011-03-06T16:03:00.003+11:00

I think I am officially socially retarded. I went to a birthday party last night for people I sort of know, and some people I know well, and instead of talking to these new people, I chose to follow the two cats that lived at the house around the property and pat them and talk to them instead. CATS. Not people, cats. I am no longer allowed to question why it is I struggle to make new friends or meet people, because this is a first hand account of my selective social retardation. When I finally decided to rejoin humanity, I then ranted on for about 10 minutes as to why graphic novels are currently ruling my life and how memoir graphic novels done well might be the greatest thing ever. Then I just sat in the dark thinking about stuff I wanted to draw. Walking home after the party I came across another cat strolling down the street who I also stopped and played with for awhile. Yep, definitely dying alone.

I would if I could but I cannot I know

2011-03-01T21:30:00.009+11:00

I have nothing to say right now so here are some things I am loving presently.

These loafers.

This hilarious pencil case that I feel like throwing at some people half of the time.

These nautical rope rings.

This awesome cheese platter in the shape of somewhere I miss with all my heart.

This hobo cat mug. I think I love everything from this artist. Especially the 'I am an island' print.

Potential new face from Warby Parker. But in Whiskey Tortoise.

I laid in the dark thinking about all of my friends and their changes

2011-02-27T10:09:00.005+11:00

I don't want to go back to Uni. Like, a terrible force grips my body when I think about having to be there again, and dealing with all of that falseness and stupid superiority complexes, oh man, why can't people just be chilled out? The only thing getting me through at this point is that we might have less contact class hours, and I managed to get out of one class and use credit from another one in its place. Also I may have had my thesis idea semi-approved which is exciting as it does not involve surveys or wanky theory. Just solid chemistry and analysis. Who knew I would ever like chemistry this much? NOT THIS GUY. If I actually pass this year I might implode from happiness at the thought of never having to see one particular lecturer again. Oh and being able to flee back to America, obviously. JOANNA NEWSOM IN TWO WEEKS YOU GUYS. I can't wait to cry like a retard in the audience of American Idol when she plays my three favourite songs.

cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, street lights

2011-02-25T19:05:00.001+11:00

Here is the sentence I just wrote:

'Lux in a singular form denotes one unit of illuminance, and these units as a whole can characterise the luminous flux projected onto the surface of an image per specific unit.'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

but I'm just an animal and cannot explain a life

2011-02-25T17:18:00.005+11:00

The name of this shop made me think of my Dad. Unfortunately this place was ridiculously overpriced, see that chair out the front that is definitively from Ikea? $75. I don't think so lady! we may be from the city but we weren't born yesterday! Luckily the other two op shops we went to were much more impressive. One was having a $0.50 cent sale! I wonder if I will ever not love a good op shop. I mean sure, sometimes you discover you are trying on a cardigan that may or may not have residual vomit on the front, but then you have great moments like finding this bag for sure duper cheap and then having your hairdresser offer you $50 to buy it off you. No way lady, this bitch is mine. Plus it holds all my crap like my old calico bag did; umbrella, book, giant headphones, mints, lip products, camera, sunscreen, slingshot.

buck you like a Billionaire

2011-02-24T09:31:00.002+11:00

Rhys started blogging again. YAY!

you better find somebody to love

2011-02-23T19:25:00.012+11:00

Due to a unforeseen family stuff, we could only go away for a day trip of bushwalking but oh how glorious it was. GLORIOUS. Welcome to Lerderderg State Park: Park of Dreams (and giant spiders.) Also, it helps if you say the name of the park like the swedish chef from the muppets.

Cait drove us up to the park, and along the way we stopped in a small town to check out the thrift stores where I scored a sweet bag for $6. We also got the local gossip on someone who had attempted to steal $25 worth of stuff from the shop, but was caught and made to return everything, then subsequently shamed by the entire town. Sometimes small town living appeals to me.

We made it to the park and commenced out trek, at one point feeling like total nature ninjas because we had to take our shoes off to get the other section of the track and walk across the river rocks. The water was super cold but really refreshing and clear. Lots of little tadpole guys swimming about. NATURRRAAARRGGHHH!

We finally got to Graham's Dam, after battling our way through about 25 giant spiderwebs, in fact I am probably underestimating that number, they were EVERYWHERE. The spiders were all different to, with the only common factor being that they were gigantic and mean looking. We also saw a snake, and I almost accidentally picked up a lizard I confused for a stick. Fun surprises.

It was so beautiful and peaceful out there. At one point we walked through this cooler part of the ravine and all of a sudden all these butterflies were everywhere around us. So eerily beautiful. It was so nice to feel removed from the city and have no one else around us.

I got sunburnt in that weird gap between my sports bra and my shirt so look super cool right now but I really couldn't give a shit, Nature fulfilled my every need today. Well, Nature and Jem and Cait. On the way home we found a thrift store having a $0.50cent sale. Could today have been any better? Sigh. LE SIGH. Just in case you don't believe me about the spiders, here is an example of their insane web:

As a size reference, my hand fully splayed out was the size of the centre. Eeek. But now think of the butterflies. sha la la la.

let's pretend we're in antarctica

2011-02-21T13:55:00.004+11:00

In other news, I spent the hours of 4am-6am being harassed by the biggest moth I have ever seen. No one believes me when I say moths spend all summer chasing me, but this titanic lepidoptera (emphasis being on TERA) began by dive bombing me in the dark, which woke me in a frightened frenzy that involved me getting twisted in my bedsheet and falling on the floor then crawling to turn on the light, then it completely ignoring the light and continuing to dive bomb my stupid face whilst I tried to hide under the 10cm gap under my bed. Building a fort to defend myself proved useless, as the crafty devil could crawl through any crack and would then again hurl itself at me. Eventually, after finally realising once again that I am going to die alone so need to just learn how to deal with things like this on my own, I managed to trap it in a glass jar and release it outside. BUT IT CLUNG TO MY SHIRT AND CAME BACK INSIDE. Also, I ran outside holding a jar at 6am in a tshirt and underwear and managed to scare the bejeesus out of my elderly neighbour across the street. In my head, the sole focus was releasing this behemoth back from whence it came, but to him it probably looked like I was either escaping a rapist intruder or removing some badly cooked meth before it exploded. WHY ARE THE ELDERLY UP SO GODDAMN EARLY?! I had to then re-catch it and do this all over again. FUCKING MOTHS YOU GUYS.

send out for whiskey baby, send out for gin

2011-02-21T13:24:00.006+11:00

One more week of freedom then it's back to fulfill the insanity of my final year. I also find it ridiculous that I will have a masters in something after only 2 years of studying it. Doesn't that seem stupid to anyone else? like, how is my undergrad longer than this? not that I want to be in this department for one single second longer than I have to be, but still. I sometimes feel I am getting my actual education from the NGV and my mentor, and the piece of paper from the uni. Which is utterly depressing if I think about it too much, and how much I am getting in debt, but thems the breaks. I think we might be going away for 2 days on wednesday and thursday because if I don't see some goddamn nature before I go back I will probably have a seizure.

There is this national park close by with the funniest name but I won't reveal it in case we don't go. Not that anyone is reading this thing anymore but it fools me into thinking I actually still have some sort of readership. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ALL SAY YOU HAVE THIS IN YOUR READER. COMMENTS FEED THE MOTIVATION PEOPLE. PAY IT FORWARD. We went to Vida and Brian's on saturday night and it is pretty much guaranteed that between Brian and Jem I am going to pee my pants laughing. This may have been the exact moment it happened:

Shit, what was the name of the tv show you guys need to have? Show and Tell? I think that was it. I am telling you now this would be comedy gold. Also Jem had these incredible sandals on that when I mentioned how great they were her response was "Oh, that's right. I'm Jesus now."
I think I also ate an entire jar of mini pickles to myself. This to me is a hardcore saturday night.

and the flames went higher

2011-02-20T09:50:00.001+11:00

I saw this car last week while I was waiting for the tram.

I mean, why WOULDN'T you get into this vehicle?

unburdened hooks and empty drawers

2011-02-18T20:53:00.005+11:00

Very Expensive Looking 65+ Female Customer: Yes. Do you have any children's books?

Me (simultaneously pulling plastic wrapping out of my hair from packing boxes): We sure do. See that sign down the end of the shop that says 'kids books'? They are all just right over there.

Customer: Do you have any books that are suitable for a 2 year old?

Me: Um, most likely, we have a lot of picture books, here I can show you where those are. (walk customer down to shelf I just pointed out.)

Customer: They need to be edu cahhh shee naal.

Me: Okay, well we don't have specific educational books, but this one has counting using cake, and this one has-

Customer: What about theeeeese?? (Gesturing to the big hardcover, non-educational books)

Me: Well, those might be good, but they aren't educational as such.

Customer: Oh they don't have to be educational!

Me: I thought you said-

Customer: NEVER MIND THAT! WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAAAV??

Me (feeling slight pulsating behind eyeballs): Well, there is this one which is kind of cute, it's about a monster who can't scare anyone so he decides to scare this little boy-

Customer: SHE'S A GIRL.

Me: Pardon?

Customer: MY GRANDDAUGHTER. A GIRL.

Me: Oh, okay. Well, this one is about a dinosaur that doesn't know she's extinct, but then decides she is happy with her friends she has anyway-

Customer: DINOSAURS ARE NOT FOR GIRLS.

Me: ............I like stegosaurus'.

Customer: NOT FOR GIRLS.

Me: ........(seeing someone at the counter PRAISING JESUS) Excuse me, I just need to go and serve this other (SANER) customer.

Why. Why are people like this.

and everywhere I tried to love you is yours again and only yours

2011-02-15T15:33:00.006+11:00

I find the more I have to study/write essays, the more I find ways to procrastinate, like I am somehow defying the evil overlord (who is myself) to sneakily fly under the radar and get away with stuff like, buying weird sandals on the internet, then posting 5 pairs of shoes on eBay to justify buying said sandals. Also deciding it is really important I walk to the IGA to buy this weirdly addictive drink that is definitely giving me cavities. (Side note: look at my sweet door, man I did a good job painting that bitch. ) Also listening to Joanna Newsom's 'Does Not Suffice' about fifty grillion times. These parts of my behavioural habits are really goddamn annoying and I don't know why I can't just sit down and vomit out the rest of this essay. Blargh. You know whenever I say Blargh I think of this:

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

2011-02-14T16:04:00.007+11:00

Hi Blog! sorry I have not done any word-related posts for the past week, my brain exploded into a bag of farts sometime last monday and have subsequently had to maintain all of my sanity and energy and patience for writing two retarded essays that I don't really want to write. Well, that is not true, I want to write one, just not the other one. These are two things I should be doing right now instead of writing this but I found this photo that was taken at the Laneway Festival by a threethousand photographer and it made me laugh and laugh so figured this would do as a reentry. That's right, I went to a festival. WITH PEOPLE. I had festival anxiety beforehand, which involves me panicking about not having something to wear that will be the perfect combination of comfort and bagginess without looking homeless, and as you can see I am dancing a thin line. What you can't see in this photo were my denim cutoffs covered in paint that I wore when painting my bedroom. So, maybe falling on the hobo side a little too much. HEY FASHION BLOG YOU GUYS. In other news I just spent 28 minutes talking to either:

a) a teenage boy with a pair of his dad's work pants on or,

b) a really youthful looking 40 year old man

who was convincing me to switch to this different electricity company as apparently the one we are with now is awful. He was so earnest and talkative I said I would bring it to Family Dinner to discuss with my roommates and then while he was giving me all the paper work and making me talk to someone on an iPhone he kept asking me what my Valentine's Day plans were. This was our conversation:

Him: So! do you have any special plans for tonight! (he spoke like every sentence ended with an exclamation mark)

Me: No.

Him: Oh come on! Nothing! no special dinner with that special someone!?

Me: Nope. No.

Him: Oh well that's no fun! what are you doing instead!

Me: Writing essays and trying not to kill myself.

Him: ................

Me: oh, um.... HA....HA... joking.

There is this perverted satisfaction I got in making him stop being so jovial and actually willingly wrap up the conversation before I had to force him off my property.

I guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari

2011-02-12T19:07:00.001+11:00

when the lights go out on us

2011-02-10T22:45:00.001+11:00

I really like this sound right now.

I will never ask you why

2011-02-10T10:32:00.002+11:00

Behaving like an adult is probably the worst thing about being an adult.

you're my favourite daydream

2011-02-09T18:25:00.000+11:00

thanks Nathan!

pull down the shades

2011-02-08T20:42:00.001+11:00

See you in hell essays.

your kisses are wasted on me

2011-02-08T08:41:00.003+11:00

New favourite song thanks to cd club. Can someone tell me who's mix this is? it's goddamn amazing.

I hope that you find all there is that you want

2011-02-04T22:19:00.004+11:00

Here's a photo from my trip to Portland with Cait about five thousand years ago. Also, myself and ten other really young females, won a competition of some scary beauty products. I'm like, ninety compared to these girls. NINETY.

don't be afraid of the dark

2011-02-03T18:51:00.002+11:00

moody cows.

its easy when you realize you're nothing, you're nothing

2011-01-31T18:15:00.001+11:00

I love my Seagull.

roc-a-fella y'all

2011-01-30T16:29:00.006+11:00

The Queensland Flood Levy has raised all sorts of hackles from the Australian public in the past week and I just have one thing to say to people who have been complaining about the unfairness of this implemented tax:

SHUT YOU GODDAMN FUCKING FACE.

The most anyone will be paying towards this levy, is an extra $5 a week, and that is if you are in the top tier tax bracket. People who earn under $50,000 don't even get taxed on this thing. Because I am in the middle of a rant, I am not going to check what the top tier tax bracket is, but I can probably guess it means you earn over $100,000, which means you are a complete asshole if you are complaining about giving less than what you probably spend on coffee a week in a forced tax break for people who just had their entire state annihilated. People have tried to counter argue this with "Oh well I already donated so this is just a cruel trick by the government to make us pay for their mistake" and also "The government should pay for it! Not tax us more!"

Here are my issues with this idiotic rebuttals:

1) "I already donated! it's unfair! wha wha wha!"

You may have donated, and this is truly lovely of you if you did, but I don't know if you are fully aware of what it takes to rebuild an entire state, especially one the size of Queensland. Anything you already donated was probably used in emergency food/clothing/housing/medical needs for those people in immediate crisis. Also, I don't know if you realise, but the sooner this place can be rebuilt the better it will be for everyone in this country. Not just for the sake of being comfortable to make jokes about Queenslanders again, but think of all the produce that comes from that place and now think about how much you are already paying for strawberries. THINK ABOUT IT. Do you know how much it costs to make a road? I don't but I bet it is shitloads. Now think of all the roads that got destroyed. Then think about all those houses, stores, hospitals, dental surgeries and nursing homes, and now try and work out how much that would cost. JUST TRY. I am pretty sure the $2 you gave whilst making a purchase at Cotton On isn't going to cover that.

2) "The Government should pay for it!"

You're right. The Government should pay for some of this. But I am pretty sure the Government pays for a lot of shit, lots of shit you take for granted and just assume we deserve as a basic human right, so am pretty certain they don't have $5.6 BILLION lying around. If they do, WTF Julia. If you want the Government to pay completely for this natural disaster, then get ready for Recession of Hell in 2 years time. People are also using this an opportunity to be annoyed at the Labour party for scrapping plans they promised to implement in the election race, because they are using those funds to now go towards this disaster. UM. REALLY? ARE YOU ALL THAT STUPID?! I saw this one interview where this man was saying "Oh well that's what you'd expect from LABOUR!" What? A Flood? is that what you are trying to say Idiot Man? You expected the entire Labour Party to conjure up the most epic natural disaster that has even befallen Australian soil EVER? You need to take your crystal ball and join hands with Tony Abbott because that is some Chris Angel shit you predicted right there. IT'S NOT LABOURS FAULT. If anyone is to blame, it's Jesus' fault. So go ask Tony what he thinks of that.

People are also complaining that it is unfair to only tax a certain percentage of the population. As an under $50,000 earner, I am quite happy to pay this amount personally, however I am pretty sure it might be slightly more difficult to get a tax hike onto families and individuals already earning their sole income from Government funding, or seniors living on tight pensions (which is what I think you are implying when you say "everybody.") Heads up people, if you earn over $50,000 a year then you are ALREADY WINNING AT LIFE. PAY IT FORWARD.

I think I am going to carry around $1 coins on my person at all times to throw in the face of anyone I hear complaining about this. Just shut the hell up already and help your fellow man.

not even the one that I drew upon your hand with a marker

2011-01-29T15:56:00.002+11:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

he's a God-sent original, the man of my dreams

2011-01-27T22:36:00.003+11:00

Cait just took me out for a fancy delicious vegetarian dinner at Shakahari. We had these tempura style avocado and red bell pepper rolls with basil pesto dipping sauce, then I had these croquettes made of pumpkin, radish, potato and yam with a side of kimchi and steamed vegetables and Cait had a tofu and mushroom laksa. AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS. We also had this wine called Maude, which I found hilarious. Something I did not find hilarious was when we caught the tram home, and exited at our stop, a junky doing pull ups on the hand rails yells out "mumblemumblemuble GLASSES" to which I turned around because I was the only one wearing glasses. He then repeats

"You would be a lot sexier if you changed your glasses!"

I was genuinely speechless. My face contorted into this combination of disgust and pure hatred, that I know for a fact makes it look like I am about to spew fire from my mouth,which made him continue with:

"No! Seriously! they are too big! just get smaller ones!"

then the tram doors closed before I could say anything.

I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

I wish I could just make this shit up instead of having to live through it, but for some reason, the universe decides I can handle situations like this. I think what upset me the most (aside from being told I was unattractive by a man who spends the majority of his life opening cans with his few remaining teeth) was not having an immediate comeback. GODDAMMIT.

you send cold chills down my spine

2011-01-26T19:11:00.006+11:00

Since it is a public holiday I have felt that weird need to fix up something around the house. However lack of car and money sort of limited my options, so therefore had to look closer to home.

For the past month my windows have been covered from the outside with janky cardboard leftover from our move. Before you judge, keep in mind that there is full sun blasting through that window all day long and at night there is a street lamp that fills in for the sun. Seriously. my room would be lit up like fucking Las Vegas if I didn't do this Indiana Jones type shit. So my resolution was to take down all the cardboard and replace with garbage bags. BLACK garbage bags!

I just went from crack den to Meth Lab all in one day! HIGH FIVE SELF!

I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out

2011-01-24T20:47:00.014+11:00

This morning I went to the Aquarium because if you haven't been able to guess from my rambling stupid posts, there is a display of baby hammerhead sharks on view until the 26th and I have been desperate to see them. I wanted to go yesterday, but Cait had to work, and since I am codependent, I waited until this morning so we could go together before work. Let it be known that if you ever willingly choose to go to a venue such as this before 10am and during school holiday periods, you are at the mercy of your own unrelenting stupidity.

We got there about 10 minutes after it had opened, and already there were lines forming at the reception desk and children had commenced screaming and sweating and just generally smelling revolting. How does this happen? Are some children made of sour apples and dirt? The few children I have had the pleasure of holding (Veronica mainly) smell like creamsicle puffs of heaven, so how is it that the majority of these devil spawn were already curdling on their feet? It was gross. I am not going to pretend kids smell great, they are usually smelling like some sort of musty grime, and coupled with the smell of Aquarium and penguin, it was not a happy odour that greeted us.

After being sold a ticket by a girl who looked like she would have had a '#1 Fan' tattoo of Evanescence, we were then accosted by a guy taking photos who told us to pose in front of the green screen. We really didn't want to, and Cait asked if we had to and he said "Yes. Yes you do." What? Since when? He took like three photos too. Am pretty sure you just need one dude. Also, do you even work here?

We headed past the penguins as it was too crowded, and went into the aquarium display centre, where there were some pretty ace fish hanging out, and one fat as hell eel. That eel was so fat. It looked like a giant italian sausage that had been stuffed with whole onions. It would have been super relaxing in this display centre, had it not been literally swarming with unruly children and passive aggressive parents and grandparents. I would like to make a disclaimer here to say that I do not dislike children, I just fucking hate it when they are not properly managed by their parents in public spaces. Public spaces where there are live animals especially. My foot was stamped on by one child jumping up and down trying to get a fish to look at him, then instead of apologising after my loud "OW!" he just banged his hand on the glass instead. His mother was standing right next to him where she both saw and heard this interaction, and yet she did nothing. I think I turned into my Dad at this point, but managed to keep my mouth shut and moved onto the next exhibit, which was a coral filled aquarium. Cait and I were standing up close to the glass, but were over the side so we weren't blocking the whole exhibit (plus the display was 3 metres wide) and as we are standing there, this small child weasels in front of us. Okay, fine, you probably have the attention span of a gnat and will move soon, but instead she starts shrieking "GRANDMA! LOOK! NEMO! NEEEEEEEEEMOOOOO!" to which her crotchety old bitch of a grandmother says "Oh I would look darling but SOME people are taking longer than others to look."

Oh really? there is a time limit? Pretty sure I can stand here ALL DAY LONG if I want to Mertyl, also, you seem to have no qualms about your child PUSHING in front of complete strangers instead of learning some patience so pretty sure you are not in a position to be casting nasturtiums onto others. Bitch.

We went back over to the Penguins, which were AWESOME. There is nothing wrong with Penguins, NOTHING. If you don't like Penguins then you probably don't like much to be honest. They are fat and sleek and hilarious. Plus watching them swim underwater is so hypnotizing. How does that fat little body glide so well? AMAZING.

We moved through to the rockpool area after this, but rockpools stress both Cait and I out, so we didn't stay long, just long enough to stare at the sawfish. Have you people seen a sawfish in real life? they are crazy looking. Like looking at a dinosaur. A SWIMMING dinosaur! Kids were losing their shit in this section and at one point I made eye contact with a rockpool guardian employee and she had this insane hunted look in her eye. Bet you didn't think studying Marine Biology would lead you to this point did you? Grab the starfish and RUN. RUN!

Jellyfish, Japanese Spider Crabs, and octopus were in the next exhibit (not all together) and once again were were confronted with stupidity at it's finest:

Woman: Why is there a Mr Potato Head in that octopus' cage? Why would an Octopus want that?!

(Me in my head: first of all, its not a cage, it's an aquarium, second of all, really? Octupi are the geniuses of the oceanic world, they are basically a brain with tentacles. Fast, speedy life squeezing tentacles. Even if you don't know this, there is a sign.)

Woman: I bet someone just dropped it in there and didn't realise!

(Me in my head: REALLY? you think an employee of the Aquarium would not only be carrying around a Mr Potato Head on their person whilst they were in the vicinity of the tank, but that they would be so careless as to drop said item INTO the tank of the cephalopod in their ward? You're retarded lady.)

Woman: Yeah! that's what happened!

Me (out loud): Jesus.

I am probably the worst person on the planet, because not only do I think I am smarter than at least fifty percent of my fellow man, I have an uncontrollable urge to educate them when they make a false statement. In other words, I'm a complete asshole. For instance:

Small child pointing at a parrot fish: LOOK! LOOK! A PUFFER FISH!"

Me: That's a parrot fish dude.

Child: (ignoring me) PUFFER! PUFFER! BLOW UP PUFFER!

Me: Parrot. PARROT fish.

Child starts blowing up his cheeks like a puffer fish and writhing around on the observation bench.

We finally made it through to the Hammerhead display, which was probably the biggest letdown of all, as you could only clearly view them from this tiny little viewing stand looking down at them. We thought once we got into the bigger viewing tunnel you could look up at them but for some reason they were completely obscured. The bigger viewing tunnel shall here on be referred to as the Tunnel of Hell. There we SO MANY people down there, all pushing and shoving and taking photos of anything that moved. This bothers me insanely, when someone is just blindly shooting at things before they have even observed them. Are you really going to make that sting ray into a life long memory of wonder? or that fish? or that turtle? One woman took at LEAST 80 photos, just while we were standing there. We were once again passive aggressively informed we were standing in one place for too long, but by this point we had both reached our capacity for human interaction and had to get the hell out of there anyway. It was exhausting. It's also exhausting just being surrounded by these people who are literally fighting one another to see something, if they just chilled out and waited, everyone could really easily observe the creatures happily. It's like they are overtaken by this mad frenzy of "MY CHILD WON'T HAVE FUN UNLESS I PUSH AND SHOVE!" and act accordingly.

Which is gross.

I recommend going to the Aquarium when all the little chitlins have gone back to school and you have more of a fighting chance to get some space and enjoyment down there. Until then, at your own risk.

(PS. The penguin photos are so weird because I had to take them through a mesh screen, I didn't adjust them at all.)

I guess you must be running out of fools

2011-01-23T09:18:00.005+11:00

I finished my course on friday thank goodness, my brain was about to start physically rejecting anymore information. I think this week I have to start writing my two 3000 word essays as part of the course requirements, but in between I am going to spend a lot of time zoning out staring at my walls. This does not bode well for the thesis. Does anyone have any ideas for my thesis topic? Right now all I have is a piece of paper with 'WILLIAM EGGLESTON' written on it with a giant love heart drawn around it. Should probably write something more than that. Also, Cait and I are thinking of making a video of helpful tips people could use to save their precious photos and paper items if they are struck by a natural disaster. Maybe I could make Youtube my thesis.

Tomorrow Cait and I are going to Aquarium to see the baby hammerheads display. What do they do with those things when the display is closed on wednesday? set them free? eat them? Also, how did they get so many baby hammerheads? Is there a secret nursery somewhere they stole them from? I guess I will find out tomorrow, when I try not to be too Lisa Simpson-y in my questioning.

first things first I'll eat your brains

2011-01-19T20:56:00.004+11:00

Only two more days to go then I am back to the real world that does not involve dreaming about being smothered by a giant sheet of Tyvek or being locked inside a cold storage facility and freezing to death. My brain feels like that example of the old mop they use on infomercials that can't absorb any more blue fluid and when they shake it bits fall off. HI BRAIN! YOU NEED TO INCREASE YOUR EXPANSION CAPACITY! This week we have learned about temperature controls, humidity percentages, the dreaded DEW POINT, and have had an interesting discussion on ethical problems faced within the field of conservation. I am still not entirely convinced I am cut out for this industry, particularly when two participants are talking about their children falling over and hitting themselves and how worried it makes them, and I try to make them feel better by drawing an analogy to their child and drunk man who broke into a liquor store completely wasted that I watched on youtube. Am pretty sure no mother wants to hear that their two year old resembles a fully grown man who falls into a shelf of alcohol through a roof he has hollowed out in the ceiling.

to a tree in the wood and a hole in the leaves

2011-01-16T20:13:00.006+11:00

Last night I went to the best concert I have been to in over a year. Mountain Man totally made me insanely happy and sad at the same time to be experiencing, and I say that with no irony whatsoever, it is truly a wonderful experience to watch these ladies work their voices. So perfect and melodious and soft and beautiful. I could have left the show on a completely high and wonderful note had I not bumped into my favourite one in the band and proceeded to gush like a teenage geyser all over her about how much I love her voice and how magical it is (pretty sure I said magical) then sort of awkwardly sidled away. Why do I decide to say something? WHYY? Something just takes over my brain and body and pilots me towards them, like it's super important that they know that I think they are really talented. I'm totally that creep fan aren't I. Jesus.

I twisted you under and under to break you

2011-01-15T18:48:00.004+11:00

The sun came out! I mean, I have nothing to complain about compared to the entire state of Queensland, but the past 4 days have been hell in this city. Endless rain, wind and clouds and then to top it all off, my old friend Humidity. Have I mentioned how much I hate humidity? It's the worst. I mean, sure a giant ass flood of water that kills your family and destroys your home is probably outranking that, but I am going to say humidity is maybe in the top ten of Most Unlikable Things about Nature. Right up there with monkeys and people. Everyone was about ready to kill one another in this city, and I don't say that just because I was trapped with a couple of insanely overbearing personalities this week trying to learn while they were trying to get self worth evaluation. I wish I could bag out one of these women more on this blog but I am pretty sure some people from uni read this blog and I don't want to start a war (mainly because it would mean more talking to her face to face) so I will just stop there. Only to say, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HATE THE AQUARIUM. I AM GOING TO SEE THOSE BABY HAMMERHEADS YOU STUPID BITCH. STOP RAILROADING EVER GODDAMN CONVERSATION! Okay, that is all. I had super fun happy time with Jem and Cait today after my shift and then got a haircut and am now going to do more fun time summer things with Cait. I love living with my friend. LOVE IT. We had a moment today in a Vietnamese restaurant where we both really seriously took each others hands and said as emphatically and genuinely as we could "No, I'm not even kidding. I LOVE living with you." It was pretty gay. If by gay I mean awesome, which I do because I love Gay. Gay! Gay! Gay!

could you brush it off for me

2011-01-12T21:36:00.003+11:00

'Silver Lake' George Eastman House Collection

AUTOCHROMES ARE THE FUCKING BEST.

I just couldn't breath with your throne on my chest

2011-01-11T19:59:00.005+11:00

Well. It would appear that I know nothing about photography or photographic processes thanks to this intensive course I am doing. I thought I had some knowledge of these processes and could have a go at identifying them, but it is difficult people. DIFFICULT. It also doesn't help when you have two desperately needy people in your class who are constantly trying to prove how much they know by talking at any available moment of silence, to the point where they being to talk over the lecturer. I swear to god the vein in my forehead is just going to pop right open at any moment, most likely as I am trying to identify the process of manufacture of the image I am looking at. Lady number 1, if you fucking mention how you were raised in a darkroom one more time I am going to throw my stapler at you and Lady Number 2 if you don't stop talking over people I am going to literally snap your neck. STOP TRYING TO PROVE HOW CLEVER YOU ARE. Because firstly, no one actually cares, and secondly, it wastes everyone's time listening to your insecurities veiled as knowledge being shouted for anyone and everyone to hear. I am trying to grasp the concept of DOP VS POP and you need to shut up. like, NEED TO. I am also slightly disbelieving I am actually going to retain this information to be utilized in an accurate practice upon completing this unit, but maybe tomorrow I will be struck by the knowledge fairy and miraculously be able to identify my image. COME ON FAIRY. I drew the above image after a homeless man who looked exactly like this tried to get my attention at the tram stop today by dancing a jig in front of me. He wouldn't leave until I gave him a tight lipped smile, and then he happily sidled away. He didn't call me a bitch-dyke-lez, so my sexual appeal must be off the fucking charts today.